The 2001 Wrestling Invasion: GOOD Version

UPDATE: Instead of writing this in several entries as I was originally planning to do, I will update this one entry as I go along. This whole new invasion timeline is scribbled out in notes right now, so I'm working to put everything into one neat blog entry. Right now, I'm up to No Mercy 2001, so check back later if you want the full invasion timeline.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? - A re-written WWF/WCW/ECW invasion storyline that would have satisfied any fan that ever speculated what a final battle between these rival wrestling companies would be like (and might have lead to a possible revival of WCW by building up fan demand for the product to a crazy level) and a sort-of evaluation/review of the flawed real-life invasion storyline.

SO... THIS IS A SAD WRESTLING NERD THING? - Uh... a little bit, yeah! I recently had a binge-watch of WWF clips from before 2001 (I stopped watching in 2004 and don't watch any of the new stuff) and it was all going great until the invasion story began. That's when I started scribbling down really obvious notes about what would have made it better (ie Goldberg should have been there, etc). Then, on a 15-hour flight back from America, I tried to kill time by scribbling out more notes, which soon turned into an entire re-thought timeline of the invasion, which I've only now gotten around to typing up on the web. If you have any brighter suggestions of what to do on a 15-hour flight, lemme hear them!

WARNING - Bret Hart appears in my invasion as it is only a "what-if?" dream scenario. I know full well that he wouldn't be willing to work with WWF in 2001/2002, and neither would Chyna, and that Goldberg, Scott Steiner, etc. wouldn't be contracted until later. This alternative invasion works on the dream principle that every major WCW and ECW star, including Bret Hart, was available during 2001/2002 and willing to work with WWF for the invasion storyline. After all, it could have lead to a revival of WCW and ECW through popular demand, with the potential of Vince McMahon bankrolling WCW, but not being in charge of it creatively (to keep the competition genuine) and thus not having to work with people like Hart after the invasion is over. Also, they'll make a fuck-ton of profit from this alternative invasion, and wrestlers like Hart could get their cut of it. Makes sense, doesn't it? No? Just me? OK, I'm no businessman.

Anyway, on we go.

-----BASIC SUMMARY OF CHANGES-----

1 - There are bigger names from WCW, nWo and ECW involved in this invasion, they are given considerable airtime and are pushed as a major threat to the WWF roster.

2 - The final battle happens at Wrestlemania X8 and the entire card is built as a WWF vs WCW dream card.

3 - WCW and ECW never form an alliance. They won't NEED to because each company will look strong individually. They each invade WWF separately.

4 - Eric Bischoff and Paul Heyman lead their respective invasions. Stephanie McMahon never buys ECW. Shane McMahon still buys WCW, but doesn't lead the WCW invasion.

5 - The entire invasion storyline is original and doesn't re-use and rely on old storylines like Austin vs McMahon or the McMahon family feud.

6 - With the exception of all former ECW stars (Tazz, the Dudley Boyz, etc) defecting to ECW, Commissioner William Regal to WCW and (MYSTERY FORMER WCW CHAMPION) to nWo, there are NO major superstar defections. Therefore, AUSTIN DOESN'T DEFECT.

7 - The 2002 Royal Rumble match will decide who the first Undisputed Champion is, not who contends in the main event of Wrestlemania X8.

8 - DDP will NOT be a stalker.

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So here's the whole new invasion storyline in detail from March 2001-2002.


-----NEW INVASION TIMELINE-----

-----MARCH 2001-----

Shane McMahon buys WCW and the last WCW Nitro episode plays out the way it did in real life (which I will write as AIR, meaning 'As In Reality.').

-----APRIL 2001-----

Shane & Vince fight at Wrestlemania X-Seven, AIR.

Austin beats Rock for the WWF Title at Wrestlemania X-Seven thanks to Vince, AIR.

The Austin/Triple H/McMahon alliance plays out AIR.

The Rock is fired AIR.

Vince & Shane continue to feud AIR.

Vince puts Shane in a Last Man Standing match against Big Show at Backlash, AIR, but Shane loses the match (Shane hits the elbow drop off the Titan Tron, but Vince gets some heels (Edge, Christian & Rhyno? They were heels at the time.) to go out and stand the Big Show up, reversing how Test got Shane to stand up in the real-life match).

-----MAY 2001-----

Vince & Shane continue to feud. Vince continues to remind Shane of his humiliating loss at Backlash and puts Shane in more humiliating situations.

Shane warns Vince (and Austin/Triple H by extension) to get off his back (and the backs of whoever Austin/HHH are feuding with) or he will bring in "the big boys."

Vince ignores this and has Shane assaulted and humiliated by Austin and HHH.

In response to this, Shane has the WCW Champion Booker T make a shock appearance on Raw during a match between Shane and Austin. Booker stands on the rampway and punks Austin out (notice how this isn't 'Booker attacks Austin from behind,' which would be heel-ish), causing Austin to lose the match to Shane via a roll-up pin. A furious Austin then tries to attack Booker, but he fights back and dominates Austin before Triple H attacks Booker from behind and the Two-Man Power Trip gang up on him. Immediately, Diamond Dallas Page runs to the ring and evens out the fight. Austin and Triple H leave the ring and Booker T does a spin-a-roony for the fans. (This entire booking makes the WCW stars look like faces instead of heels, which is crucial if we want to welcome the idea of a WCW/WWF crossover).

Booker T and Diamond Dallas Page continue to appear with Shane McMahon on WWF TV in the following weeks, cutting promos emphasising how Austin, Triple H and Vince do things for themselves, not for the fans, which is what WCW is here to do (keeping Shane and WCW face). Vince eggs Shane on, asking if those two WCW clowns are the best he's got.

At Judgement Day, Austin and HHH call out Booker T and Diamond Dallas Page after the main event and the four wrestlers have an impromptu tag-team match. As Booker T is about to cleanly beat Austin, Vince attacks Booker T with a steel chair, causing Shane to run in and attack Vince. The WCW duo hit Austin and HHH with their respective finishers and Shane re-introduces Lex Luger to the WWF universe, putting Vince in the Torture Rack in front of the crowd.

Next night on Raw, Shane cuts a promo threatening to bring the entire WCW in to destroy Vince's company unless Vince gets off Shane's back. Having felt the power of WCW first-hand via the Torture Rack, Vince is genuinely shocked and worried that WCW stars are threatening to invade WWF turf. Knowing that the WWF would be put seriously under threat by the invasion of WCW, he assures Shane that he will show more restraint in his actions and urges Austin and HHH to do the same (thus pushing WCW as dangerous, powerful opposition, but introducing them as babyfaces by attacking heel Vince, not as the enemy that must be booed out of the building).

This timeline will continue on the basis that Triple H was injured and stays off the roster until January 2002, AIR.

-----JUNE 2001-----

Despite weeks of concern within WWF, no other WCW stars emerge or invade. Vince and Shane seem to have settled their feud.

The DDP/Undertaker stalker storyline DOES NOT HAPPEN! Thus, DDP's WWF career is saved.

Paul Heyman as commentator builds up more paranoid, over-the-top hype of an oncoming invasion than anyone else, even though it doesn't happen.

At King Of The Ring, during the main event, an invasion DOES happen, but it is by Rob Van Dam of ECW. Jim Ross emphasises the shock of how a different wrestling company has now struck WWF at another pay-per-view. Paul Heyman then enters the ring and embraces Rob Van Dam, to JR's dismay.

Next night on Raw, Paul Heyman explains how Shane's threat of a WCW invasion inspired him to re-assemble his old ECW company and take WWF by force. Heyman declares that ECW will now invade WWF.

As with HHH, Chris Benoit was injured and will miss the entire invasion storyline (except for one thing near the end) due to his injury, AIR.

Over the coming weeks new ECW stars, including Sabu, The Sandman and Tommy Dreamer, interrupt WWF matches and attack in devastating ways.

-----JULY 2001-----

Vince McMahon gets so infuriated by the constant ECW attacks that he tries to re-awaken the old Stone Cold Steve Austin by spitting beer in his face, throwing cinder-blocks through his car windows and other acts of amusing role-reversal, until finally, after stunnering Austin's wife in the ring, Stone Cold runs in to stunner Vince and beat the hell out of him, which Vince smiles about afterwards. Austin becomes a fan-favourite and destructive S.O.B. once again (Almost AIR, but happens in one Raw episode and is more comical).

One week after Austin's face turn, Rob Van Dam, Sabu, The Sandman and Tommy Dreamer invade to attack Austin, Undertaker and Kane. The Dudley Boyz, Tazz, Raven, Rhyno and Tajiri come to the ring, but show their allegiance to ECW by attacking Austin, (More-or-less AIR).

After further attacks on WWF stars by ECW stars, using unique and frightening hardcore manouveres, ECW is established as a brutal, destructive force. Vince has doubts about whether his roster is prepared for such an onslaught and calls on the one man he know can truly handle himself in a hardcore situation, Mick Foley.

Given Foley and Vince's past problems (AIR before Wrestlemania X-Seven), Foley is reluctant to come out of retirement to re-join the WWF, but during a full-on in-ring attack by the entire ECW roster on all the major WWF stars, Cactus Jack emerges and beats the hell out of every ECW member with a steel chair, baseball bat or whatever, then gestures "bang bang!" (This more or less mirrors Stone Cold entering the ring to stunner the entire alliance on Raw AIR.)

WWF Invasion is announced, as is the Inaugural Brawl main event (AIR, but with different wrestlers involved. See card below).

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-----NEW WWF INVASION CARD-----


--01 - HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Test vs. Mike Awesome (CHAMPION)

WHY? - A hardcore opener makes sense to kick-off a WWF vs. ECW card. Obviously we can't bring out the big names immediately, so Test and Mike Awesome will suffice. I like the real-life way Mike Awesome debuted, running in and 'stealing' the Hardcore Belt, but he stole it from Rhyno during a match with Test before Rhyno AND Test defected to the Alliance anyway. What sense does that make? So in my version, Awesome steals the belt from TEST during the same match with Rhyno AS AN ECW GUY (who really cares if he's not with WCW?). Rhyno will defect to ECW, naturally, and Test will remain a WWF guy and vow to get the Hardcore Belt back from Awesome at Invasion. Obviously, this would all have to happen after King Of The Ring as part of the influx of ECW wrestlers.

On a side note, I don't personally like Mike Awesome that much, so this will be the only PPV match featuring him in the whole invasion. He'll probably be on Sunday Night Heat for the rest of the ECW PPV's.

WINNER - Test


--02 - William Regal vs. Tajiri

WHY? - This card is in-part about resolving current storylines in WWF and wiping the slate clean for the ECW invasion story, so if Tajiri is defecting to ECW, we'll need to address his storyline with Commissioner Regal. This match eventually happened at Survivor Series 2001, but by then Tajiri had defected to the Alliance, but then defected back to WWF (taking Torrie Wilson with him for some reason). After that, REGAL then defected to the Alliance! Fucking hell...

Unlike the real life invasion, I won't pretend that anyone will care about Regal vs. Tajiri at the event where THE FINAL FUCKING BATTLE BETWEEN WWF AND WCW HAPPENS, so we're getting this match out of the way at Invasion. This time though, Regal is WWF and face and Tajiri is ECW and heel.

WINNER - Tajiri


--03 - LIGHT-HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
X-Pac (CHAMPION) vs. Justin Credible

WHY? - I'm sorry. I'm so very very sorry. I genuinely ran out of ideas here. It should be noted that I made these new PPV cards backwards starting with Wrestlemania X8, so this PPV was the last one I wrote out. By this point I was like 'Ah, fuck it. The rest of the PPV's will be better.' Also, when you stick TEN top wrestlers in the main event, it gets tough to come up with all the other matches! Well, X-Pac was Light-Heavyweight Champion at the time, there weren't enough titles on the line at this PPV and the only ECW cruiserweights around at the time were Justin Credible, Tajiri and Spike Dudley. The latter two were involved in better matches and Credible just made more sense being X-Pac's former friend. Again, part of this PPV is about tying up the current WWF storylines and locking them away.

This match would be fine (the break-up of a tag-team usually being a big deal) if people didn't hate the everloving shit out of X-Pac and Justin Credible. This will be a squash match to kill off the X-Factor. Justin Credible won't make another PPV appearance after this. Will anyone care?

WINNER - X-Pac


--04 - EIGHT-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH
The Hardy Boyz, Edge & Christian vs. Rhyno & The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray, D-Von & Spike)

WHY? - Lita accompanies the Hardy Boyz to the ring, so... this match features everyone involved in TLC II from Wrestlemania X-Seven! Only this time, the Hardy Boyz have to put their differences aside to fight ECW and Rhyno has betrayed Edge & Christian to side with the Dudleys. The TLC II match is explicitly noted by JR in the build-up to this match. The story here is that Edge & Christian can't get along with the Hardy Boyz after their past feuds, allowing Rhyno, who is on great terms with the Dudleys, to easily get the upper hand over his former partners. Rhyno pins Edge, but this one's not over yet.

WINNERS - Rhyno & The Dudley Boyz


--05 - Chris Jericho vs. Lance Storm

WHY? - Why not? This would be a hell of a match. Lance Storm would introduce himself as Canada's finest, Jericho would disagree, FIGHT. Makes sense, right?

WINNER - Chris Jericho


--06 - Big Show vs. Tazz

WHY? - This is the beginning of a MAJOR push for Tazz. He was an absolute monster in ECW and one of it's biggest icons. We DID NOT feel that in the Alliance invasion AT ALL. This time, we will. The first stop is Tazz destroying the biggest man in the WWF. The Big Show will of course bring it to Tazz, but Tazz will simply be better, kicking at Show's legs, hammering into him with his fists, eventually knocking him straight down and choking him out with the Tazzmission. Tazz will look like a boss in this match and will be treated as a main-event player for the rest of the ECW invasion.

WINNER - Tazz


--07 - STREET FIGHT
Vince McMahon vs. Terry Funk

WHY? - This was originally going to be Vince McMahon vs. Paul Heyman, but... come on, seriously? Paul don't wrestle! Given as Terry Funk was instrumental in building ECW into Extreme Championship Wrestling, he's more than qualified to act as a patriarch of ECW. This match will be Vince's idea, a gesture from the now-face boss of how the WWF will show no fear against ECW, even though the man he's fighting is a violent maniac and a hardcore maestro.

Even though we're reintroducing the WWF crowd to Terry Funk in a major way with this match, let's be honest, Funk can't fight Austin or Rock in a main event. He's too broken down at this point in his career. He can still put on an entertaining hardcore match and sell like a champion, but he can't put on a wrestling clinic at his age. Booking him against a similar old-man-who-is-entertaining-in-the-ring-but-no-Dean-Malenko-in-actual-wrestling-ability Vince McMahon seems like a sensible idea.

WINNER - Terry Funk


--MAIN EVENT - WWF VS. ECW INAUGURAL BRAWL
Stone Cold Steve Austin (WWF CHAMPION), Cactus Jack, The Undertaker, Kane & Kurt Angle vs. Rob Van Dam, Raven, Sabu, The Sandman & Tommy Dreamer

WHY? - Oh, come on. Figure it out.

By the way, Raven, like Tazz, will get a huge push as a top ECW star for the next few months. Putting him in this main event is a good start.

As popular as The Sandman and Tommy Dreamer are to ECW fans, they're unremarkable in the ring, so they will be booked in many tag-team matches throughout the invasion. That way, they will be surrounded by many stars who are more talented, have the option of tagging out for most of the match and not look so bad. If you put The Sandman in a one-on-one match with Kurt Angle, he would be eaten alive and the fans would boo him out of the building.

So... looking at the teams, anyone wanna guess what big swerve is about to go down?

WINNERS - ECW

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ANSWER - At WWF Invasion, Cactus Jack betrays WWF by attacking Austin and helping Rob Van Dam pick up the victory. ECW now has Cactus Jack as their leader (again, more or less mirroring Austin's actions AIR).

The Rock returns to WWF AIR.

-----AUGUST 2001-----

The Rock's return is supposed to bring hope the WWF, but instead puts the company in further turmoil when Rock and Austin resume their ugly feud from Wrestlemania X-Seven. Paul Heyman takes advantage of this by reminding The Rock of what Austin put him through, and the WWF fails to function as a cohesive unit, with it's two biggest stars unable to co-operate, whereas ECW is united and strong.

Vince tries to make a bold statement to The Rock and Austin to bury the hatchet by asking his son Shane for forgiveness and support for the WWF. Shane does not offer forgiveness for weeks, and Heyman again takes advantage by reminding Shane of the ugly feud with his father. Linda and Stephanie have resolved their past family problems, following the threat of the company's doom, but Shane remains silent until SummerSlam.

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NEW SUMMERSLAM 2001 CARD

--01 - The APA vs. The Sandman & Terry Funk

WHY? - This would be a fun opening match, an all-out beer-feuled brawl between four men who want a good fight. The build-up to this would be entertaining, with Sandman drunkenly muscling in on APA's territory during a Poker Game, then scrapping with them backstage, etc.

WINNERS - The APA


--02 - LIGHT-HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
TAKA Michinoku vs. Tajiri (CHAMPION)

WHY? - Yeah, why is TAKA Michinoku still here? Well, he didn't leave until October 2001 and in THIS match, he's TAKA the legendary Light-Heavyweight Champion from 1998 (instead of TAKA... Funaki's partner...). It was either this or have Tajiri fight X-Pac as he did at the real life SummerSlam 2001, or have Tajiri fight someone like Scotty 2 Hotty. The thing is, I want at least four title matches on this ultimate WWF vs. ECW PPV and to be honest, the Light-Heavyweight division of WWF in 2001 left a LOT to be desired. It was that awful period before the WCW cruiserweights came in where Tajiri and like, the Hardy Boyz who weren't primarily cruiserweights were the only decent candidates for Light-Heavyweight Champion. So Tajiri (who beats X-Pac for the title on Raw cos no-one wants to see X-Pac on another PPV) doesn't have many good opponents for this title.

TAKA on the other hand has the distinction of being the longest-reigning WWF Light-Heavyweight Champion, so for this one match, he can be made to look like the top WWF cruiserweight, vowing to bring the LHC gold back to the WWF from Tajiri's clutches. Then, when Tajiri beats him, he can say he beat the top WWF cruiserweight, which would help his career a lot.

But honestly, if you reading this want to replace TAKA with any WWF cruiserweight, feel free. But after X-Pac loses the title, he's gone and not coming back. ...Until February, that is.

WINNER - Tajiri


--03 - Edge & Christian vs. Rhyno & Tommy Dreamer

WHY? - The feud between Rhyno and Edge & Christian isn't over yet. With the Hardy and Dudley Boyz out of the picture, the focus is now on Edge & Christian's beef with Rhyno (notice how Edge & Christian aren't about to spilt up, that storyline can wait until after the invasion). Tommy Dreamer's there cos he has nothing better to do (seriously, I can come up with all kinds of WWF vs ECW dream matches, like the Ladder match on this card, but for Tommy Dreamer, I got nothing, absolutely nothing).

WINNERS - Edge & Christian (feud now over).


--04 - HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Chris Jericho vs. Raven (CHAMPION)

WHY? - Jericho needs to lose a title match on this card as part of the set-up for a major title win next month at Unforgiven. Why not an Intercontinental match then? Well, I wanted to give the Hardcore Belt a major push during the ECW invasion instead of it being thrown around midcard wrestlers as usual. Most ECW stars thrive in hardcore environments, so it makes sense.

So Raven, an icon of ECW, wins the belt from Test on Raw or Smackdown and immediately puts the belt on the line against the WWF's biggest stars. Jericho answers the challenge and it's off to the races. What better way to push Raven than a win at SummerSlam over someone like Jericho?

WINNER - Raven


--05 - TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP LADDER MATCH
The Hardy Boyz (CHAMPIONS) vs. Rob Van Dam & Sabu

WHY? - Your mum. That's why. Come on now, this one has CLASSIC written all over it. There's no better way to get RVD and Sabu to stand out in the minds of non-ECW fans than a match like this. Just as long as Bill Alfonso doesn't turn up and start blowing his fucking whistle...

WINNERS - Rob Van Dam & Sabu


--06 - SUBMISSION MATCH
Kurt Angle vs. Lance Storm

WHY? - Again, CLASSIC. Best use of Lance Storm ever AND the best use of Kurt Angle during this ECW invasion period.

WINNER - Kurt Angle


--07 - TAG TEAM TABLE MATCH
The Undertaker & Kane vs. The Dudley Boyz

WHY? - OK, this one feels kinda stock. The popular brothers from one company versus the popular brothers from the other company... The latter bros are the Dudleys, so it's a Dudley match... I mean Table match...

Ah, who cares? This match would still be awesome. The build-up would write itself (That and I'm too lazy to write it at this point).

Once again, it's the case of pushing the ECW icons to the forefront, so the Duds can't afford not to have the win here.

WINNERS - The Dudley Boyz


--08 - The Rock vs. Tazz

WHY? - OK, so I mentioned a Tazz push earlier...

The inspiration for this match was a promo video for Tazz in ECW when he says "Does anyone actually believe that Hulk Hogan can beat me? DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT THE ROCK CAN BEAT ME?" He was talking about the rival stars of WCW and WWF as I'm sure you've guessed. Well, now he has a chance to make good on his claims.

Upon The Rock's return from Hollywood, Tazz initiates the feud by shooting on how The Rock is stealing the limelight as the supposed big star of WWF, proclaiming himself to be the biggest star of ECW, something The Rock only dreams of being. The Rock gives his usual response: BRING IT.

The Rock will make Tazz look like a million dollars in this match without making himself look bad (unlike Triple H, The Rock can actually do that). In the end, The Rock will only just get the win over Tazz. We can't bring him back as the hope and joy of WWF and have him lose his first PPV match back.

WINNER - The Rock


--MAIN EVENT - WWF CHAMPIONSHIP STREET FIGHT
Stone Cold Steve Austin (CHAMPION) vs. Cactus Jack

WHY? - BECAUSE THIS MATCH NEVER HAPPENED! Austin has been involved in matches with Mick Foley on several occasions, but the only PPV main event Street Fight they ever had was in 1998 when Foley was... Cactus Jack? No. ...Mankind? ...No. He was DUDE LOVE. FUCKING DUDE LOVE VS STEVE AUSTIN! Don't worry, we're fixing that RIGHT NOW.

Story-wise, this match makes obvious sense and as a main event of a WWF vs ECW dream card, I can think of no match more appropriate. There may be more significant ECW legends than Cactus Jack in the eyes of the hardcore ECW nerd, but to the casual WWF viewer, Foley is the most widely-known member of the ECW alumni (obviously, his time in WWF was the key there), making him the ideal opponent for WWF's most widely-known star, Stone Cold.

WINNER - Stone Cold Steve Austin (see shock outcome below)

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During SummerSlam, by which point The Rock/Austin breakdown is at it's worst, Shane gives Vince's apology a resolute answer by having Bill Goldberg appear in the ring to spear, then Jack-Hammer Cactus Jack during his match against Stone Cold. Austin wins as a result and Shane and Vince emerge on stage, embrace and stand victorious with Goldberg. Austin doesn't realise that Goldberg attacked Cactus and upon seeing Goldberg for the first time after the match, he can only stare a powerful stare.

Next night on Raw, Vince announces that the McMahon family is reunited and the WWF and WCW will now form an alliance to wipe out ECW once and for all.

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-----SEPTEMBER 2001-----

Several WCW superstars emerge on Raw and Smackdown in the weeks leading up to Unforgiven, including Ric Flair, Curt Hennig, Jeff Jarrett* Arn Anderson (The Invasion Four Horsemen), Rey Mysterio and the returning Lex Luger, Booker T and Diamond Dallas Page, all under the management of Shane McMahon, whilst Vince rallies the WWF roster. The WCW stars are given a major push in fights with ECW.

*Vince won't fuck up by doing the whole GONE thing and will pay through the nose for Jarrett to be in the invasion. Why? I wanted the Four Horsemen in the Invasion (along with everything significant I can cram in from WCW), which would obviously include Flair and Anderson, but I didn't want to use Benoit or Malenko (you'll find out why later on) which left me with Curt Hennig, Jarrett and a bunch of losers like Steve McMichael. Flair, Hennig, Jarrett and Anderson are a nice strong Four Horsemen group, so it's worth using Jarrett. Hey, I got Hitman in this friggin' invasion (SPOILERS, but not really cos I mentioned Hitman at the start of this timeline).

Austin and Rock feuding with each other was bad enough for the roster, but it turns out the WWF/WCW alliance is even worse. The two companies know each other as enemies that tried to put each other out of business every Monday night. To be fighting on the same side all of a sudden is bizarre. The biggest unease is between Austin and Goldberg. Every time they appear on-screen together, they look like they want to kill each other.

ECW remains vigilante, knowing that this shakiness between the two McMahon companies will give them a huge advantage. Paul Heyman plays powerful mind games with the WWF roster by reminding them of how WCW has tried to kill the WWF as an organisation, stating that WCW should remain UNFORGIVEN (groan). He succeeds in causing unease within the ranks of the WWF/WCW alliance.

Vince tries to counter this by saying he knew how great a risk it was to enlist the help of WCW, the company he almost completely destroyed, but was willing to take such a risk in order to save many wrestler's careers from the sick and twisted hive-mind of the ECW roster. This promo kind-of works on the two rosters, but not well enough, so Vince and Shane book matches for Unforgiven that force WWF and WCW stars to team up with each other against ECW, including putting Austin and Rock in an eight-man tag main event along with Goldberg and STING, who it's announced will make his WWF debut at Unforgiven.

During the unease between WWF and WCW, Chris Jericho shoots on how WCW never gave him an opportunity to pursue the world championship, which is why he now stands with WWF. The WCW Champion Booker T then mocks Jericho, saying that he was also not given many opportunities in WCW, but he eventually became a five-time WCW champion, whereas Jericho has failed to win any world championship, WWF or WCW. Jericho says he will start by taking Booker T's WCW title from him and the two feud.

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-----NEW UNFORGIVEN 2001 CARD-----

--01 - Kane & Diamond Dallas Page vs. The Sandman & Tommy Dreamer

WHY? - This will set the theme for the night: Uneasy WWF/WCW union vs. The singular force of ECW. Big names from each company to kick things off. The Sandman & Tommy Dreamer are not being booked in singles competition and will thus suck less. Kane and DDP COULD destroy the ECW duo quickly, but their failure to get along proves to be their undoing.

WINNERS - The Sandman & Tommy Dreamer


--02 - Rey Mysterio vs. Lance Storm

WHY? - Cuz it's got WIN written all over it, that's why. Though Mysterio's unique wrestling style grabs Storm's attention, Storm stubbornly maintains that he is the finest wrestler today and Mysterio's acrobatics will never disprove that. Mysterio responds with a challenge blah blah blah. AWESOME MATCH GO NOW.

WINNER - Rey Mysterio


--03 - TRIPLE-THREAT MATCH
Kurt Angle vs. Lex Luger vs. Rhyno

WHY? - Immediately after debuting in WWF, Lex Luger begins feuding with Kurt Angle over who is the superior American athlete. Rhyno is fierce during the ECW Invasion, Goldberging his way through every opponent he fights on TV. Luger begins a feud with Rhyno after Rhyno fails to put Luger down for a three-count on Raw, then smacks him with a chair out of annoyance. Angle claims he can put Rhyno down faster than Luger. Rhyno snorts and insists he can break both men in half at the same time. Triple threat is set.

The match opens HBK-Benoit-HHH style with Luger and Angle knocking each other down for an opportunity to go at Rhyno before then tearing into each other. The story of this match is that Rhyno constantly resists each man's submission finisher, but then after Rhyno gets locked into the Torture Rack, Angle, instead of attacking Luger, applies the Ankle Lock to Rhyno while he's still in the Torture Rack. This finally gets Rhyno to tap. Even though the WWF and WCW men worked together to beat the ECW man, neither man can claim superiority over the other with this outcome. Hence, the two argue over who the winner is after the match, with Vince and Shane telling them to forget about it backstage, saying the point is that ECW lost and that they're proud that WWF and WCW worked together for the win.

WINNERS - Kurt Angle & Lex Luger


--04 - TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP EXTREME RULES MATCH
Edge & Christian vs. Rob Van Dam & Sabu (CHAMPIONS)

WHY? - How do you follow up Hardyz vs. RVD & Sabu Ladder match? With the four innovators of chair going at each other. ...OK, that answer sounded less lame in my head, but Edge & Christian did a lot of inventive stuff with chairs in those TLC matches, what with the con-chair-toe and all, but RVD and Sabu have the most innovative repertoire of chair moves out on the roster right now, so this match is an opportunity to see a LOT of innovative chair stuff on display.

WINNERS - Edge & Christian


--05 - Ric Flair vs. Terry Funk

WHY? - Given his genuine heat with ECW, it was difficult to find wrestlers for Ric Flair to WANT to fight into the ECW invasion, but THEN I realised Terry Funk was around. Awesome. Even if Terry is older and not as spritely at this stage, he can still put on a hell of an entertaining match character-wise, especially if he's fighting a man of Flair's calibre, so them feuding is the best use of them both in this invasion. The two also have a history in NWA involving Funk beating the shit out of Flair after fighting Ricky Steamboat, so they can pick up from where that feud left off (If they can find that footage to include in the promo package, that would be sweet).

WINNER - Ric Flair via DQ (Funk goes ape-shit on Flair post-match once more and the feud continues)


--06 - HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
The Undertaker vs. Raven (CHAMPION)

WHY? - Raven will lose this match, but this is part of Raven's push to the moon, to fight a man on The Undertaker's level in what will be considered as the WWF vs. ECW one-on-one main event of this PPV. Raven will stubbornly suspend the 24/7 rule and only put the Hardcore belt on the line against world-class opponents. The Undertaker answers the challenge and the rest writes itself.

WINNER - The Undertaker


--07 - WCW CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Chris Jericho vs. Booker T (CHAMPION)

WHY? - I forget. Remind me.

It's a narrow fight that could go either way, but in the end, Jericho picks up an upset win and HOLY SHIT. JERICHO IS WCW CHAMPION! Post-match, Booker T looks ready to beat the hell out of Jericho, but then shakes his hand and congratulates him. This is the first clear sign of respect between WWF and WCW wrestlers, thus setting the wheels in motion for the conclusion of the night.

This whole feud mirrors the Jericho/Rock feud that would result in their WCW title match at No Mercy 2001 in real life. Jericho still wins the WCW title in my version, why? MASSIVE SPOILERS - Y2J does not become the first Undisputed Champion in my version of events. I'M SORRY JERICHO FANS, but I DO make up for this by MORE MASSIVE SPOILERS - giving Jericho a much longer run with the WCW title during the invasion. Two months, no less. That's better than the couple of weeks he spent as WCW champion in the real-life invasion, right?

This is the only WWF vs WCW match that happens before the WCW invasion properly begins. I just wanted to give Jericho a good first world title run, so his career doesn't slow down for the invasion storyline. Also, this storyline does the best job of punctuating the unease between WCW and WWF without blowing feuds like Austin vs Goldberg before the right moment.

WINNER - Chris Jericho


--MAIN EVENT - EIGHT-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH
Stone Cold Steve Austin (WWF CHAMPION), The Rock, Goldberg & Sting vs. Cactus Jack, Tazz & The Dudley Boyz

WHY? - Deal with it, WWF. You're tagging with WCW whether you want to or not. Steve Austin and The Rock still hate each other, Austin and Goldberg are constantly on the verge of killing each other and neither Rock nor Austin are willing to yield the spotlight to Goldberg or the debuting Sting. This match is set to be a disaster.

Tazz and The Dudleys are the only ECW stars left to put in a decent match, so they can neatly sit into the main-event team along with Cactus Jack. All four men are deadly in this match. The 'alliance' foursome are good individually, but their inability to work well together is a major hindrance. ECW get the advantage for the first big chunk of the match.

Fortunately, the tension between the alliance foursome dies down as the match goes on. They grow as a team and are able to gain each other's trust enough to focus on working together against ECW. For the final part of the match, Austin, Rock, Sting and Goldberg are unstoppable together and get a clean and decisive win over ECW. This match, and the image of Austin, Rock, Goldberg and Sting celebrating in the ring with beers at the end, sets a shining example for the rest of the WWF/WCW roster.

WINNERS - Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Goldberg & Sting

--------------------------------------------------

The WWF/WCW alliance is now fully co-operational and their victory seems assured. ECW, and particularly Cactus Jack, start to break down and become more psychotic and desperate, making for more babaric matches but fewer victories for ECW.

-----OCTOBER 2001-----

When the ECW invasion starts to look futile, Paul Heyman cuts an strangely upbeat promo, stating that the ECW invasion is only the tip of the iceberg for the McMahon family, that there are other small wrestling organisations that wish to tear down the big companies, and that any company that is sick of WWF/WCW standing tall over the wrestling industry should make themselves known, and strike at the heart of the McMahon family. (This in-part mirrors the Paul Heyman shoot promo on SmackDown in 2001 where Heyman talks about Vince running territorial wrestling companies out of business).

Responding to Heyman, Vince and Shane play another major trump card, by re-introducing to the WWF one of wrestling's greatest legends, the 'Macho Man' Randy Savage, on Raw. Macho Man promises there will be a major shift in this invasion over the next few weeks.

During those weeks, in the run up to No Mercy, Paul Heyman keeps mentioning another organisation, but gives little clues, which starts to infuriate the McMahon's and the ECW roster. Vince convinces his roster to shake off any greater threats of invasion, especially since the legendary Macho Man is now back with the WWF. Heyman convinces his roster that help against WWF/WCW will soon be at hand.

New assaults now begin to happen on WWF and WCW superstars, not by ECW stars, but by people who leave grafitti all over the walls backstage, saying "Kane" and "Sting." Macho Man has proof that the attackers ARE Kane and Sting, who he claims are in alliance with ECW, showing damning CCTV footage. Kane and Sting assure Savage that they had nothing to do with these attacks, but Macho Man challenges them to a tag-team match on Raw next week.

Savage's partner is revealed the following week to be Big Poppa Pump, Scott Steiner, another major star on the side of WCW. They enter the ring to fight what appear to be crudely-masked versions of Kane and Sting. Before the match begins, the real Kane and Sting come to the ring and prove that they never lead the attacks backstage. Savage and Steiner proceed nonetheless to grab the real Kane and Sting and throw them into the ring, where the fake Kane and Sting beat them down. Savage and Steiner then proudly introduce the fake Kane and Sting as members of the outside organisation that Paul Heyman was talking about, an organisation that Savage and Steiner are proud members of. The fake Kane and Sting take off their masks to reveal that they are Kevin Nash and Scott Hall. Their organisation? N. W. O. (4 Life.)

Following the debut of the New World Order, ECW fight back harder than ever, and ECW and nWo are unofficially in alliance. Stone Cold vows to kick the nWo's ass harder than he's kicked ECW's and challenges Macho Man to a match at No Mercy, while Kane and Sting challenge Hall and Nash. Savage says that if Vince agrees, he'll consult the nWo's chief of operations to see if it's OK. The nWo's 'chief of operations,' it transpires, is Eric Bischoff, who agrees to the nWo matches at No Mercy in a surprise appearance on the last Raw before the PPV. He also remarks that "if you think Eric Bischoff appearing on WWF TV is surprising enough, wait until you see No Mercy."

--------------------------------------------------

-----NEW NO MERCY 2001 CARD-----

--01 - Booker T, Diamond Dallas Page & Lex Luger vs. Raven, Sabu & The Sandman

WHY? - Shane still employs Booker, DDP and Luger as bodyguards-of-sorts as they've become reliable in that role (hence they will be unofficially referred to as 'Shane's boys'). Heyman tries to target and attack Shane with ECW wrestlers as a means of tormenting him and Vince. Every time this happens though, Shane's boys are there. Finally, Shane gets sick of these constant assaults and challenges any three of Paul's boys to challenge Booker, DDP and Luger at No Mercy.

This match may smack of "I have nothing better for these six men to do," but given as these are some pretty star-studded PPV's with almost no jobbers in sight, it won't be as noticeable that Raven for example is being put in the opening match after having big fights at the last three PPV's, or that Booker has gone from WCW championship defence to opening six-man match. At this point, if you're on the PPV at all, you're a big fucking deal, and these six men will definitely be treated as such.

WINNERS - Booker T, Diamond Dallas Page & Lex Luger


--02 - HANDICAP TABLE MATCH
Big Show vs The Dudley Boyz (TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS)

WHY? - You will all hate me for this, I know it, but I need the Big Show to win three consecutive PPV matches between now and the end of the year, and it has to look like a big deal. WHY GOD DAMMIT, WHY? It's part of a big angle that will take place at the end of the year, you'll see. Big Show needs to not look like a complete loser, so beating the Dudleys at their own match is a good start. It makes sense that the Dudleys, deadly as they are, would have trouble putting a man as big as Show through a table. The Dudleys will still look awesome in this match, even if they lose.

Story-wise, Big Show had been mocked by incoming WCW stars up until Unforgiven for leaving WCW and becoming a bigger joke in WWF than he was in WCW. Show responds by going out and clearing house with ECW wrestlers left-right-and-centre to prove his worth. At Unforgiven, he complains to Vince and Shane backstage for being left off the last two PPV's, saying he can take any number of ECW opponents all at once. The Dudleys then attack Big Show on Raw (pissed off from losing at Unforgiven) and tell Big Show he can't even beat one Dudley, let alone two at once. The Duds and Show feud and the match is set.

WINNER - Big Show


--03 - HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
The Undertaker (CHAMPION) vs. Rhyno

WHY? - This is Rhyno's big megapush moment in the Invasion. He beats Undertaker for the Hardcore title on PPV. This by the way was the only reason Raven didn't beat Taker at Unforgiven, so that Taker could then have a Hardcore title match with someone else on the next PPV. Rhyno goes on the biggest rampage of his career in fury for tapping out at Unforgiven and goes straight to assaulting the top guys in the company, ending with Taker, who challenges him to a No-Holds-Barred match at No Mercy.

WINNER - Rhyno


--04 - Kurt Angle vs. Tazz

WHY? - Tazz has lost two PPV matches in a row. Let's do something about that. Tazz reassures the wrestling universe that he is a world-class in-ring athlete. He laughs at how the most decorated athlete the WWF has to offer, a man who won a gold medal in the Olympics, Kurt Angle, came straight to WWF and got immediately choked out by Tazz (no prize for guessing which Royal Rumble event he's talking about). Angle responds by daring Tazz to do it again. ...Which he does.

WINNER - Tazz


--05 - CAGE MATCH
Ric Flair vs. Terry Funk

WHY? - Following the DQ finish of their last match, Flair goes nuts on Raw/SmackDown, stalking and attacking Funk at every opportunity. Flair tells Funk that if he wants to fight dirty with the dirtiest player in the game, then they should do it the old-fashioned way, inside the Steel Cage (thus adding to the NWA vibe of their feud and giving a sense of history to the companies involved in this invasion ...kinda).

WINNER - Ric Flair


--06 - Kane & Sting vs. Kevin Nash & Scott Hall

WHY? - The first of three nWo fights this PPV. WWF, WCW, ECW and nWo all on the same PPV. Awesome, right?

There. Onto the next match. I talked about this match's build-up already, it doesn't need a Why paragraph.

WINNERS - Kevin Nash & Scott Hall (a screwy finish, as is the style with nWo)


--07 - STREET FIGHT
Goldberg vs Cactus Jack

WHY? - Because this match TOTALLY NEEDS TO HAPPEN while we've got Goldberg and Mick Foley in the same company. Goldberg has been built as the man who destroys everyone much like in WCW, but he's never encountered a man like Cactus Jack before. Cactus has been pushed the way he was pushed in 2000 feuding with Triple H, as a man who will go as far as to wrestle on barbed wire and set himself on fire to butcher his opponents, a nasty piece of work. Will Goldberg be on winning form in a match quite like this?

Answer: No. Cactus uses the spear-into-stomach-wrapped-in-barbed-wire spot from WrestleMania 22 four years early (bugger it, it's a cool spot to steal from the future), then takes Goldberg through his paces with barbed wire boards, flaming 2x4's and thumb tacks, all of which Goldberg takes like a boss (and with a great deal of screaming). Goldberg only just manages to fight back after being ravaged, but is too weakened to put Cactus down with a Spear, so he goes for a Jack-Hammer on thumb tacks, winning the match after being put through a most violent hell.

WINNER - Goldberg


--08 - The Rock vs. Scott Steiner

WHY? - While Hall and Nash have their hands full with Kane and Sting, the remaining two nWo men, Steiner and Savage, target the two biggest stars of WWF, Austin and Rock, thus the four face off in respective one-on-one bouts. Personally, I think one of wrestling's biggest missed opportunities is that Steiner never feuded with Rock in the early 2000's. It could have happened if WWF had it's shit together and it would have been entertaining as hell. I am a huge Steiner fan by the way, it must be said.

WINNER - The Rock


--09 - WCW CHAMPIONSHIP LADDER MATCH
Chris Jericho (CHAMPION) vs. Rob Van Dam

WHY? - Jericho's first duty as WCW champion is to fend off the competition from the ECW camp. Rob Van Dam (who is cocky heel RVD from ECW, not cool-whatever-midcard RVD from WWE) claims that everything Jericho can do, RVD can do so DAM better. Y2J dares RVD to contend for the WCW championship, but RVD raises the stakes by requesting a Ladder match with Jericho for the title. Jericho doesn't back down and the match is set. Both of these men can tear the house down in a Ladder match and Jericho will feel like he's met his match with RVD, but still pulls through and keeps the title.

WINNER - Chris Jericho


--MAIN EVENT - WWF CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Stone Cold Steve Austin (CHAMPION) vs 'Macho Man' Randy Savage

WHY? - The Y2J/RVD match was the ECW main event, but this WWF/nWo match HAS to be the proper main event for this PPV. It's Stone Cold vs Macho Man. If this match doesn't draw like crazy, nothing will.

Towards the end of this match, the referee takes a bump, Austin hits the Stunner and covers Macho for the would-be pin, but the ref is out, so instead, Hall, Nash and Steiner run in to attack Austin. After a few seconds of this, the song 'Real American' starts playing and Hollywood Hulk Hogan makes a shocking return to WWF television. Hogan is initially clad in a red and yellow t-shirt, black jeans and a stars-and-stripes bandanna, but as Hogan walks into the ring and the nWo clear out, Hogan rips off his shirt to reveal an nWo tank-top underneath. At this point, as if the music was being hijacked, we transition sharply into the nWo theme and Hogan drops a leg on Austin. The nWo re-enter the ring and continue to attack Austin, by which point the ref has gotten back up and called for a disqualification.

Eric Bischoff enters the ring with a can of spray paint and Hogan sprays 'nWo' on Austin's back. Hogan then cuts a promo saying that nWo is the organisation that will sink WWF and WCW, and that when Shane bought WCW, he forgot that nWo is not part of WCW, and still remains the property of Eric Bischoff. Bischoff then cuts a promo saying he will take his company WCW back from the hands of the McMahon family. End PPV.

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TO BE CONTINUED...

Why Men Shouldn't Be Offended By Women-Only Groups

Last night, I donated a dollar (or a mere 65p in UK currency) to Code Liberation, a foundation that offers free game development workshops for women. I learned about Code Liberation (I'll just say Code Lib) through a 24-hour Twitch stream set up by Extra Credits. In the chat room of this Twitch stream, I noticed a comment made by one viewer about why he wasn't donating to Code Lib. I couldn't recall the comment word-for-word, but he thought the idea of a women-only group was sexist.

He took pride in treating men and women as equals, which I certainly won't fault him for, and claimed that groups who exclude members based on sex will only reinforce the sexist cultural landscape that these groups are supposedly trying to combat. This blew up into a huge chat room debate about women feeling unwelcome in the games industry (don't get me started on THAT hashtag) and where groups like Code Lib fit into the equation. Essentially, the two sides of the argument were "Code Lib is helping female developers to not feel excluded from the games industry" vs. "Female developers can enter the games industry as men do, through college, and college would not exclude them, so a women-only game development group is irrelevant. It only serves to insult men, many of which aren't causing a problem."

I felt like both sides of this argument were missing a huge point about Code Lib, about why it exists, why it's worth donating money to and why men shouldn't be offended by it's women-only policy. I do not speak for Code Lib of course, this is merely my observation, but if you ask me why these sorts of women-only groups need to exist, I'll say this:

Men can (and SHOULD) endeavour to have as broad an understanding of women as possible, and many men indeed do, but the fact is that men will NEVER have as complete an understanding of women as women do. This is a natural, unavoidable consequence of men... you know... not being women. There are, believe it or not, elements of a woman's life that only a woman can reliably provide insight into. I wonder how many men would say that women can provide more reliable insight into male life than men?

There's nothing wrong with men having this limit to their understanding as long as it doesn't affect the lives of women, or other men's perception of women, in a negative way. Unfortunately, it does, far too frequently. In the worst cases, there is a complete lack of understanding altogether, with men collectively viewing women in scornful, sexist, misogynistic and dehumanizing ways (THAT hashtag springs to mind again).

However limited a man's understanding of women is, it's important to note that his creative output, if he works in a creative field, may reflect that limited understanding. If he's an artist, he could render a costume for a female character that deliberately shows off most of her skin in order to make her look "like a chick" (A League of Legends artist used this excuse). If he's a writer, he could write female characters who fail to pass the Bechdel Test (meaning they don't talk about anything other than men throughout the story). If he's a rapper, ...well, you get the idea. Whether it's intentional or accidental, damaging or harmless, men's incomplete outlook on women can easily become imprinted onto their creative work.

This wouldn't be an issue if there wasn't much attention being paid to their work. But there must be a LOT of attention being paid if the fastest selling product of all time (not just game, not just general work of creativity, but PRODUCT) is Grand Theft Auto V, a game written and designed by a four-man team, a game not exactly renowned for it's portrayal of women.

If GTA V could be such a commercial success without it's developers needing to demonstrate a broad or respectful understanding of females, why would other male developers feel it necessary to improve THEIR understanding of females? Going on sales figures, I'd say the only necessity for them is that they make more games like GTA V, games that can fly off the shelves and dominate the charts, games that men with a similarly lacking perspective of women can devour, games that I imagine are popular with advocates of THAT hashtag.

I'm tired of these kinds of games and I'm not alone.

No-one is more qualified to make games that are free from men's flawed ideas about women than women themselves, and such games would benefit from being developed in an environment where those male ideas do not exist and have no power. Women-only groups ARE that environment. The games made by members of these groups will be like nothing we've ever seen before. Their ideas will be unique and unspoilt. They will improve the creative landscape of games immeasurably. As a man wholeheartedly sick of the GTA's, Call of Duty's and Bayonetta's of the world, I am excited to see what kind of work the women of Code Liberation turn out.

Why shouldn't men be offended by women-only groups? Because these groups aren't about reinforcing gender exclusivity and they're about more than just making women feel included. They are havens of untapped new ideas, places where content can be crafted without the mistakes of a male-dominated creative landscape being repeated. They are worth supporting if we want to see artistic mediums taken to interesting new frontiers.

...Or at least that's my understanding of it. Women, tell me how I'm doing.

My Championship Pokémon Team ...14 Years Later

14 years ago this month, I competed in the VERY first Pokémon World Championship Tournament, or Pokémon Championship 2000 as it was called. This was a global event that toured up and down eight countries (I forget which exactly. One was probably the UK). Trainers could download Mew onto their Pokémon Red/Blue/Yellow cartridges (LONG before the Mew glitch was discovered), play Pokémon Snap before it's release (that oh-so-memorable game we were all clamouring for) and, least importantly, battle to ACTUALLY become the world's greatest Pokémon trainer. Pokémon fans today will never know how cool it was to experience this shit when it was all new.

There were 16 UK events, 128 trainers competing per event. You were awarded the actual badges from the game if you won each round of the tournament. Every competitor was automatically granted the Boulder Badge, then the other seven badges were won if you passed each round of the tournament, meaning only the one winner would walk away with all eight. I made it as far as the semifinal, meaning I have six badges to this day. The fact that I'm missing two is still kind of eating away at my soul!

Even if you lost the final match, the two finalists of each event were invited to compete at the national finals in London. The 32 UK finalists would then tournament-it-out to decide the UK champion. A 17-year-old dude named Darren Van Vuuren won it in the end and went to Sydney, Australia to fight the other seven champions from each country. Vuuren was the one who actually won in the end and he became the world's greatest Pokémon master for like, a year or something. He reportedly only used Chansey and kept using Seismic Toss to win the match cleanly. There'll probably be like, 500 Pokémon on today's games that can beat that Chansey. Humph.

It was an awesome event to be a part of, one that I was reminded of this evening as I browsed around on my old Pokémon Stadium N64 game in a half-assed attempt to rid myself of boredom. Amidst the teams I had saved on the game's Prime Cup Registered Teams List, there sat a special sight: my old championship team, preserved exactly as they were back when I was 11, exactly as they were before they went into the championships. What a snapshot from history, the team I loved and devoted my gaming life to at the turn of the millennium, saved here on my relic of an N64 cartridge.

Yeah... it's probably a shit team to be honest.

Having played the old Red/Blue versions a million times since 2000 and knowing what I know today, age 25, I give you an evaluation of my old championship Pokémon team. Let's see if I actually was capable of winning the World Championships (Wow, I REALLY have nothing better to do this evening! I could be with like, a girlfriend now or something).

Oh, and a word of warning to non-Pokémon fans, you will not know what the hell I'm saying in this blog entry. You've obviously read up to this point though, so feel free to keep going if you enjoy being bewildered.

---MY CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM---

Blastoise, Dragonite, Raichu, Moltres, Golem and Victreebel (all Level 100, obviously).

-BLASTOISE-

Oh God, not a good start. No-one ever uses the Pokémon they started with in a championship team. Unless they're an impulsive 10-12 year old, which I had the misfortune of being at the time. There were a million better Water types to choose from. I guess I just didn't have the patience to train someone to Lv100 if they weren't already Lv67 from beating the Elite Four the first time.

-BLASTOISE'S MOVES-

BLIZZARD - Good. You knew what you were doing here.

SUBMISSION - WHAT THE HELL? WERE YOU HIGH? THIS IS AN AWFUL, USELESS MOVE. I must have had it in my head back then that Fighting moves were awesome against Normal-type Pokémon, even though Fighting Pokémon/moves were truly, TRULY shit. Body Slam or Hyper Beam would have been better.

EARTHQUAKE - In case I fight an Electric type or something? Actually, that's not bad thinking. Pretty good move, I suppose.

SURF - Obvious. Hydro Pump was more powerful, but Surf was more accurate and accuracy always wins in my books.

-BLASTOISE'S STATS- (All stats compared against Gamefaq's max-stats list)

MINE

HP - 333

ATTACK - 242

DEFENCE - 276

SPEED - 250

SPECIAL - 267

MAX

HP - 361

ATTACK - 264

DEFENCE - 298

SPEED - 254

SPECIAL - 268

Oh dear. Work needed doing on Attack, Defence and HP. But the Speed and Special were pretty damn good actually.

-DRAGONITE-

Poor predictable Bart. Always chooses Rock. ...Or Dragon.

Yep, young me had the idea that Dragonite was the most powerful non-Mewtwo Pokémon in the game. Somehow, it didn't register with me that Dragonite could instantly die from a Blizzard due to it being Dragon AND Flying type (Blizzard only being the most common move in the friggin' tournament. Why wouldn't it be? Ice basically beats everything). Ironically, the less-powerful Dragonair would have actually been more effective for not being a Flying type.

Oh well. I was the only kid on my playground with a Dragonite, so I guess it was somewhat special.

-DRAGONITE'S MOVES-

THUNDERBOLT - No-one used Thunder if they could help it, it was too inaccurate. Good move. Electric moves can take down most Pokémon types and possibly paralyse.

BLIZZARD - I like where this is going!

SURF - Erm... should I have had this move AND Blizzard? Seems a bit unnecessary. I guess a Dragon Pokémon with Electric, Ice and Water moves sounded great on paper, but there's a ton of other moves I could have had instead. Agility maybe?

STRENGTH - Oh crap, we've hit a wall. Unless it's Surf, NEVER TEACH YOUR CHAMPIONSHIP POKEMON AN HM MOVE. EVER. Unlike later games, you couldn't forget HM's in Red/Blue/Yellow. God, this was a waste of a move slot. Hyper Beam or Body Slam would have been SO much better.

-DRAGONITE'S STATS-

MINE

HP - 355

ATTACK - 364

DEFENCE - 282

SPEED - 228

SPECIAL - 288

MAX

HP - 385

ATTACK - 366

DEFENCE - 288

SPEED - 258

SPECIAL - 298

Rubbish HP, rubbish Speed. Everything else wasn't bad to be honest. Awesome Attack stat, the highest in the game, WASTED because my only physical move is fucking STRENGTH. Imagine what an almost-full-power Hyper Beam would have done! ...Shame.

-RAICHU-

It doesn't know Surf. NEXT.

In my defence, getting Pikachu to learn Surf is really frickin' tough. ...Or WAS to a young kid.

Yet another rookie mistake of thinking the most popular Electric Pokémon is the most powerful. ZAPDOS! Why not Zapdos? YOU CATCH IT AT LEVEL 50! HALF THE WORK IS ALREADY DONE!

Well, I was a dumbass.

-RAICHU'S MOVES-

THUNDER WAVE - Standard.

BODY SLAM - You didn't give this move to Dragonite, who was two points away from having the highest possible Attack stat in the game, but you gave it to FUCKING RAICHU?! ...This is what watching the fucking cartoon show does to you.

THUNDERBOLT - Again, accuracy over power. Thunder is less reliable.

SUBMISSION - JESUS CHRIST!! YOU HAD THIS INSTEAD OF SURF?!

-RAICHU'S STATS-

MINE

HP - 319

ATTACK - 278

DEFENCE - 196

SPEED - 276

SPECIAL - 250

MAX

HP - 323

ATTACK - 278

DEFENCE - 208

SPEED - 298

SPECIAL - 278

PERFECT ATTACK! YES! Good to know that Body Slam would have counted for something. Nice HP and Defence too. Speed and Special suck, which, to be honest, are the key stats for an Electric Pokémon. Damn.

-MOLTRES-

Fool me once, shame on the cartoon show. Fool me twice, shame on me, the dumb viewer.

Fire types suck. The anime made the fire types look awesome and that's why I had one. Moltres seemed a sensible choice, even though Charizard is ironically stronger. This bird is less legendary when you realise that it can die instantly if you throw a rock at it. Seriously, it's true. Moltres is Fire AND Flying, making it doubly-weak to Rock moves.

-MOLTRES'S MOVES-

TOXIC - Perhaps the most overrated move in the original game. It takes Toxic like, eight turns to do serious damage and if you haven't already killed the enemy by then, there's something wrong with you (and your enemy, if he hasn't killed you by then either).

FIRE SPIN - You. Are. Stupid. Fire Spin IS NOT FIRE BLAST. To be fair, I've learned that Wrapping is an effective technique in competitive battling, and Fire Spin is a decent Wrapping move, but that's not what I was going for here. I wanted a powerful Fire move. This ain't it.

FLY - Two things. One: Flying moves/types generally suck, so why you thought this was a better idea than say... Hyper Beam, I have no idea. Two: It takes TWO TURNS to use! The enemy can switch Pokémon in that time! This and Dig are the least reliable moves ever. Well, except Fissure.

SWIFT - Well... it never misses. That's good, right? ...Anyone? ...Oh, wait. Agility could have gone in this slot. ...Oops.

-MOLTRES'S STATS-

MINE

HP - 373

ATTACK - 278

DEFENCE - 276

SPEED - 262

SPECIAL - 330

MAX

HP - 383

ATTACK - 298

DEFENCE - 278

SPEED - 278

SPECIAL - 348

Excellent Defence, OK everything else. Attack could have been better, but I had no decent physical moves anyway, so it didn't matter. Actually, I had no decent attacks with Moltres, full stop, so that DOES matter. Like, severely.

-GOLEM-

Oh, thank God. Someone truly awesome at last.

I love Golem. It's my favourite Pokémon by a long way. I've never had a Pokémon team without a Golem/Graveler/Geodude, even in the newer games. It always helps if your favourite Pokémon is super powerful, unlike if your favourite is, say... Parasect (if it is, you obviously don't exist anywhere ever).

Original Golem, please don't have sucky moves.

-GOLEM'S MOVES-

ROCK SLIDE - This move SUCKS in the newer games. In Red/Blue/Yellow though, it's not bad.

FIRE BLAST - Oh, that's right. Give your Rock Pokémon the best Fire move, not your Fire Pokémon! Nice surprise against Ice and Grass, I guess, but Golem's a physical powerhouse anyway, so this move's probably weaker on Ice and Grass than Rock Slide or Earthquake. ...Bit ironic.

TOXIC - Wrong answer. Next.

EARTHQUAKE - Like a boss. Shame about Toxic, I could have replaced it with Body Slam or something. Other than that, this isn't a bad moveset at all!

-GOLEM'S STATS-

MINE

HP - 321

ATTACK - 299

DEFENCE - 322

SPEED - 151

SPECIAL - 180

MAX

HP - 363

ATTACK - 318

DEFENCE - 358

SPEED - 188

SPECIAL - 208

Oh Jesus, what happened here? It was going so nicely with the moves, too. These stats are awful! Well, Attack's decent enough, I guess, and I suppose that's the stat that counts. But seriously, this is a weak, weak Golem! Unhappy face.

-VICTREEBEL-

...What? Why? Why? What? Why? WHAT?!

...OK, you know what I said earlier about Parasect? ...THIS IS ALMOST WORSE.

What the hell was I on? I think I was aiming for Exeggutor and missed by a LONG way. And since you mentioned Psychic Exeggutor, WHY WERE THERE NO PSYCHICS ON YOUR TEAM? THIS WAS THE ORIGINAL GAME, BEFORE PSYCHICS HAD ANY WEAKNESSES, YOU FOOL!!

I don't even want to go through this one, but I will.

-VICTREEBEL'S MOVES-

TOXIC - Again? Why? IT'S UNDERWHELMING. DEAL WITH IT.

SOLARBEAM - Two words: TWO TURNS.

CUT - Fuck off.

MEGA DRAIN - Oh my Christ. If I thought a Victreebel with THIS moveset was a good idea, I deserved to not win.

-VICTREEBEL'S STATS-

MINE

HP - 344

ATTACK - 277

DEFENCE - 201

SPEED - 200

SPECIAL - 279

MAX

HP - 363

ATTACK - 308

DEFENCE - 228

SPEED - 238

SPECIAL - 298

...You know what? Instead of commenting on how pathetic these stats are, it would be better to just list any of the Pokémon I could have used instead of Victreebel. Here they are:

Dugtrio

Persian

Alakazam

Slowbro

Cloyster

Gengar

Exeggutor

Rhydon

Chansey

Starmie

Jynx

Tauros

Lapras

Jolteon

Snorlax

Articuno

Zapdos

Sigh... there's never a time machine when you need one.

---IN SUMMARY---

A Dragonite with no good physical moves, a Raichu that knows Submission instead of Surf, a Water type that's Blastoise instead of anyone else, the legendary bird that isn't Articuno or Zapdos, a statistically-horrible Golem and FUCKING VICTREEBEL.

I'm amazed I won even ONE championship match with this team. It's crap!

...Oh well. At least I never used Beedrill, GAME GRUMPS.

Facebook Translate is accurate, right?

A few years ago, I went through a phase of print-screening anything I saw on Facebook that I thought was funny (wait, let's back up a moment: A few years ago, I went through a phase called WHY THE HELL WAS I EVER ON FACEBOOK?) and just now, I was flicking through those old print-screens and came across this: a status written by my Korean friend Dana ...or should I say, the English translation of her status according to Facebook Translate.

Bearing in mind that Dana could actually speak and write FLAWLESS English, this was her Korean-written status, as translated by Facebook:

"These days, people know it's selfish it's where established by the real plum is hidden underneath the Manor. Or at least not so elitist thing, but not letting me on the bus beyond the grandfather to wake up and have to go through the motions of forbid even curiga also please help I've asked people listening to music while look looking not touching the cellphone was ignored, the great God who is look ^ ^ real pessimist is like world"

For all I know, the translation was perfect and this was the exact sentiment Dana wanted to express. Hey, I sympathise completely. Real pessimist IS like world.

If this was a bad translation however, and Facebook Translate is no better today, then I have a major request for the Facebook staff:

PLEASE give people the option to translate standard English on Facebook into BAD English! As Dana's status proves, EVERYTHING is better when it's badly translated. Nobody cares what people actually want to write on Facebook, I just want it all to be written in terrible English! ...Oh, wait a minute.

(Checks Jennifer Lopez's Facebook page, reads fan comment: "Baby u lovely want to taste u kisses to u my love hmm your mouth tastee am in love")

Nevermind. Bad idea.

BECAUSE WE DEFINITELY NEED MORE BLOGS

So... yeah. Blog. Hello.

If you came here from my Twitter page, you probably know I have two YouTube channels, Noakes Network and Noakes Gaming. I may become not-painfully-unpopular on YouTube someday. If I do, this blog may be of interest to people.

If I think cool thoughts, I'll probably forget them and write about what I ate for breakfast instead. But just in case I remember and type out said cool thoughts, stick around. This blog may be entertaining for you. =)

Oh, and I'm Liam Kelly, but I go by the name of 'Noakes' for some reason.

Wilkommen.