My Championship Pokémon Team ...14 Years Later

14 years ago this month, I competed in the VERY first Pokémon World Championship Tournament, or Pokémon Championship 2000 as it was called. This was a global event that toured up and down eight countries (I forget which exactly. One was probably the UK). Trainers could download Mew onto their Pokémon Red/Blue/Yellow cartridges (LONG before the Mew glitch was discovered), play Pokémon Snap before it's release (that oh-so-memorable game we were all clamouring for) and, least importantly, battle to ACTUALLY become the world's greatest Pokémon trainer. Pokémon fans today will never know how cool it was to experience this shit when it was all new.

There were 16 UK events, 128 trainers competing per event. You were awarded the actual badges from the game if you won each round of the tournament. Every competitor was automatically granted the Boulder Badge, then the other seven badges were won if you passed each round of the tournament, meaning only the one winner would walk away with all eight. I made it as far as the semifinal, meaning I have six badges to this day. The fact that I'm missing two is still kind of eating away at my soul!

Even if you lost the final match, the two finalists of each event were invited to compete at the national finals in London. The 32 UK finalists would then tournament-it-out to decide the UK champion. A 17-year-old dude named Darren Van Vuuren won it in the end and went to Sydney, Australia to fight the other seven champions from each country. Vuuren was the one who actually won in the end and he became the world's greatest Pokémon master for like, a year or something. He reportedly only used Chansey and kept using Seismic Toss to win the match cleanly. There'll probably be like, 500 Pokémon on today's games that can beat that Chansey. Humph.

It was an awesome event to be a part of, one that I was reminded of this evening as I browsed around on my old Pokémon Stadium N64 game in a half-assed attempt to rid myself of boredom. Amidst the teams I had saved on the game's Prime Cup Registered Teams List, there sat a special sight: my old championship team, preserved exactly as they were back when I was 11, exactly as they were before they went into the championships. What a snapshot from history, the team I loved and devoted my gaming life to at the turn of the millennium, saved here on my relic of an N64 cartridge.

Yeah... it's probably a shit team to be honest.

Having played the old Red/Blue versions a million times since 2000 and knowing what I know today, age 25, I give you an evaluation of my old championship Pokémon team. Let's see if I actually was capable of winning the World Championships (Wow, I REALLY have nothing better to do this evening! I could be with like, a girlfriend now or something).

Oh, and a word of warning to non-Pokémon fans, you will not know what the hell I'm saying in this blog entry. You've obviously read up to this point though, so feel free to keep going if you enjoy being bewildered.

---MY CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM---

Blastoise, Dragonite, Raichu, Moltres, Golem and Victreebel (all Level 100, obviously).

-BLASTOISE-

Oh God, not a good start. No-one ever uses the Pokémon they started with in a championship team. Unless they're an impulsive 10-12 year old, which I had the misfortune of being at the time. There were a million better Water types to choose from. I guess I just didn't have the patience to train someone to Lv100 if they weren't already Lv67 from beating the Elite Four the first time.

-BLASTOISE'S MOVES-

BLIZZARD - Good. You knew what you were doing here.

SUBMISSION - WHAT THE HELL? WERE YOU HIGH? THIS IS AN AWFUL, USELESS MOVE. I must have had it in my head back then that Fighting moves were awesome against Normal-type Pokémon, even though Fighting Pokémon/moves were truly, TRULY shit. Body Slam or Hyper Beam would have been better.

EARTHQUAKE - In case I fight an Electric type or something? Actually, that's not bad thinking. Pretty good move, I suppose.

SURF - Obvious. Hydro Pump was more powerful, but Surf was more accurate and accuracy always wins in my books.

-BLASTOISE'S STATS- (All stats compared against Gamefaq's max-stats list)

MINE

HP - 333

ATTACK - 242

DEFENCE - 276

SPEED - 250

SPECIAL - 267

MAX

HP - 361

ATTACK - 264

DEFENCE - 298

SPEED - 254

SPECIAL - 268

Oh dear. Work needed doing on Attack, Defence and HP. But the Speed and Special were pretty damn good actually.

-DRAGONITE-

Poor predictable Bart. Always chooses Rock. ...Or Dragon.

Yep, young me had the idea that Dragonite was the most powerful non-Mewtwo Pokémon in the game. Somehow, it didn't register with me that Dragonite could instantly die from a Blizzard due to it being Dragon AND Flying type (Blizzard only being the most common move in the friggin' tournament. Why wouldn't it be? Ice basically beats everything). Ironically, the less-powerful Dragonair would have actually been more effective for not being a Flying type.

Oh well. I was the only kid on my playground with a Dragonite, so I guess it was somewhat special.

-DRAGONITE'S MOVES-

THUNDERBOLT - No-one used Thunder if they could help it, it was too inaccurate. Good move. Electric moves can take down most Pokémon types and possibly paralyse.

BLIZZARD - I like where this is going!

SURF - Erm... should I have had this move AND Blizzard? Seems a bit unnecessary. I guess a Dragon Pokémon with Electric, Ice and Water moves sounded great on paper, but there's a ton of other moves I could have had instead. Agility maybe?

STRENGTH - Oh crap, we've hit a wall. Unless it's Surf, NEVER TEACH YOUR CHAMPIONSHIP POKEMON AN HM MOVE. EVER. Unlike later games, you couldn't forget HM's in Red/Blue/Yellow. God, this was a waste of a move slot. Hyper Beam or Body Slam would have been SO much better.

-DRAGONITE'S STATS-

MINE

HP - 355

ATTACK - 364

DEFENCE - 282

SPEED - 228

SPECIAL - 288

MAX

HP - 385

ATTACK - 366

DEFENCE - 288

SPEED - 258

SPECIAL - 298

Rubbish HP, rubbish Speed. Everything else wasn't bad to be honest. Awesome Attack stat, the highest in the game, WASTED because my only physical move is fucking STRENGTH. Imagine what an almost-full-power Hyper Beam would have done! ...Shame.

-RAICHU-

It doesn't know Surf. NEXT.

In my defence, getting Pikachu to learn Surf is really frickin' tough. ...Or WAS to a young kid.

Yet another rookie mistake of thinking the most popular Electric Pokémon is the most powerful. ZAPDOS! Why not Zapdos? YOU CATCH IT AT LEVEL 50! HALF THE WORK IS ALREADY DONE!

Well, I was a dumbass.

-RAICHU'S MOVES-

THUNDER WAVE - Standard.

BODY SLAM - You didn't give this move to Dragonite, who was two points away from having the highest possible Attack stat in the game, but you gave it to FUCKING RAICHU?! ...This is what watching the fucking cartoon show does to you.

THUNDERBOLT - Again, accuracy over power. Thunder is less reliable.

SUBMISSION - JESUS CHRIST!! YOU HAD THIS INSTEAD OF SURF?!

-RAICHU'S STATS-

MINE

HP - 319

ATTACK - 278

DEFENCE - 196

SPEED - 276

SPECIAL - 250

MAX

HP - 323

ATTACK - 278

DEFENCE - 208

SPEED - 298

SPECIAL - 278

PERFECT ATTACK! YES! Good to know that Body Slam would have counted for something. Nice HP and Defence too. Speed and Special suck, which, to be honest, are the key stats for an Electric Pokémon. Damn.

-MOLTRES-

Fool me once, shame on the cartoon show. Fool me twice, shame on me, the dumb viewer.

Fire types suck. The anime made the fire types look awesome and that's why I had one. Moltres seemed a sensible choice, even though Charizard is ironically stronger. This bird is less legendary when you realise that it can die instantly if you throw a rock at it. Seriously, it's true. Moltres is Fire AND Flying, making it doubly-weak to Rock moves.

-MOLTRES'S MOVES-

TOXIC - Perhaps the most overrated move in the original game. It takes Toxic like, eight turns to do serious damage and if you haven't already killed the enemy by then, there's something wrong with you (and your enemy, if he hasn't killed you by then either).

FIRE SPIN - You. Are. Stupid. Fire Spin IS NOT FIRE BLAST. To be fair, I've learned that Wrapping is an effective technique in competitive battling, and Fire Spin is a decent Wrapping move, but that's not what I was going for here. I wanted a powerful Fire move. This ain't it.

FLY - Two things. One: Flying moves/types generally suck, so why you thought this was a better idea than say... Hyper Beam, I have no idea. Two: It takes TWO TURNS to use! The enemy can switch Pokémon in that time! This and Dig are the least reliable moves ever. Well, except Fissure.

SWIFT - Well... it never misses. That's good, right? ...Anyone? ...Oh, wait. Agility could have gone in this slot. ...Oops.

-MOLTRES'S STATS-

MINE

HP - 373

ATTACK - 278

DEFENCE - 276

SPEED - 262

SPECIAL - 330

MAX

HP - 383

ATTACK - 298

DEFENCE - 278

SPEED - 278

SPECIAL - 348

Excellent Defence, OK everything else. Attack could have been better, but I had no decent physical moves anyway, so it didn't matter. Actually, I had no decent attacks with Moltres, full stop, so that DOES matter. Like, severely.

-GOLEM-

Oh, thank God. Someone truly awesome at last.

I love Golem. It's my favourite Pokémon by a long way. I've never had a Pokémon team without a Golem/Graveler/Geodude, even in the newer games. It always helps if your favourite Pokémon is super powerful, unlike if your favourite is, say... Parasect (if it is, you obviously don't exist anywhere ever).

Original Golem, please don't have sucky moves.

-GOLEM'S MOVES-

ROCK SLIDE - This move SUCKS in the newer games. In Red/Blue/Yellow though, it's not bad.

FIRE BLAST - Oh, that's right. Give your Rock Pokémon the best Fire move, not your Fire Pokémon! Nice surprise against Ice and Grass, I guess, but Golem's a physical powerhouse anyway, so this move's probably weaker on Ice and Grass than Rock Slide or Earthquake. ...Bit ironic.

TOXIC - Wrong answer. Next.

EARTHQUAKE - Like a boss. Shame about Toxic, I could have replaced it with Body Slam or something. Other than that, this isn't a bad moveset at all!

-GOLEM'S STATS-

MINE

HP - 321

ATTACK - 299

DEFENCE - 322

SPEED - 151

SPECIAL - 180

MAX

HP - 363

ATTACK - 318

DEFENCE - 358

SPEED - 188

SPECIAL - 208

Oh Jesus, what happened here? It was going so nicely with the moves, too. These stats are awful! Well, Attack's decent enough, I guess, and I suppose that's the stat that counts. But seriously, this is a weak, weak Golem! Unhappy face.

-VICTREEBEL-

...What? Why? Why? What? Why? WHAT?!

...OK, you know what I said earlier about Parasect? ...THIS IS ALMOST WORSE.

What the hell was I on? I think I was aiming for Exeggutor and missed by a LONG way. And since you mentioned Psychic Exeggutor, WHY WERE THERE NO PSYCHICS ON YOUR TEAM? THIS WAS THE ORIGINAL GAME, BEFORE PSYCHICS HAD ANY WEAKNESSES, YOU FOOL!!

I don't even want to go through this one, but I will.

-VICTREEBEL'S MOVES-

TOXIC - Again? Why? IT'S UNDERWHELMING. DEAL WITH IT.

SOLARBEAM - Two words: TWO TURNS.

CUT - Fuck off.

MEGA DRAIN - Oh my Christ. If I thought a Victreebel with THIS moveset was a good idea, I deserved to not win.

-VICTREEBEL'S STATS-

MINE

HP - 344

ATTACK - 277

DEFENCE - 201

SPEED - 200

SPECIAL - 279

MAX

HP - 363

ATTACK - 308

DEFENCE - 228

SPEED - 238

SPECIAL - 298

...You know what? Instead of commenting on how pathetic these stats are, it would be better to just list any of the Pokémon I could have used instead of Victreebel. Here they are:

Dugtrio

Persian

Alakazam

Slowbro

Cloyster

Gengar

Exeggutor

Rhydon

Chansey

Starmie

Jynx

Tauros

Lapras

Jolteon

Snorlax

Articuno

Zapdos

Sigh... there's never a time machine when you need one.

---IN SUMMARY---

A Dragonite with no good physical moves, a Raichu that knows Submission instead of Surf, a Water type that's Blastoise instead of anyone else, the legendary bird that isn't Articuno or Zapdos, a statistically-horrible Golem and FUCKING VICTREEBEL.

I'm amazed I won even ONE championship match with this team. It's crap!

...Oh well. At least I never used Beedrill, GAME GRUMPS.